How To Be Single

Those of you who followed my other blog know that this was my most popular post for 2017. Though I’m no longer single, I still believe I am very qualified to speak on this topic.

As you can imagine, This post isn’t for married couples, those in committed relationships or those desperately waiting or searching for “The One”. This is for persons who are absolutely comfortable and happy being single and plan to remain that way.

So without further ado, Here is how I’ve mastered the art in the past.

  1. Have extremely high expectations

This is stated first because it is critical. Once you master this step you will be well on your way.

Set your expectations high and do not lower those expectaions for anyone. I don’t care how cute or charming he/she may be. Once you lower your expectations easily or begin settling simply because you are lonely, needy or want to be loved you will probably get into a relationship. But consider this, Do you want the cheapest product or the best product?

I personally have a non-negotiable list, which includes things I simply won’t tolerate from a partner like smoking or cheating. I’m not suggesting that you walk around with a notepad and go on dates and be like ” nope that’s on the list and you just did that so sorry dude, you’re out”. You must know personally what you want and what you can and cannot tolerate. If you don’t know or have no standards or expectations you should be creating some not trying to get into a relationship.

So, to remain single, keep your expectations high.

2. Accept that you do not need a relationship

You may really like or love someone. But a relationship is simply not a necessity.

I’m the chick who wants to get kissed by my partner at midnight on new year’s eve so that we’ll have a great year, and I am still longing for my eiffel tower kiss. But, that’s simply a want not a need.

If I don’t get kissed I won’t die and it’s been proven because I’ve had some quiet new years eve celebrations on my couch cuddled up with my teddy bear, popcorn, icecream, wine of course and a live broadcast of the ball drop and other new year celebrations. Likewise, a relationship is not a necessity.

So, to remain single, accept that you are fine alone and do not need a relationship.

3. Stop comparing yourself to persons who are “boo’d up”

Alot of times, persons go on social media or watch hallmark movies and somehow begin to feed into the notion that a relationship somehow will transform their lives or that you will die or be shunned if they are still single while all their friends in relationships. God forbid if you aren’t married or have kids by 30.

I would honestly rather be alone with no kids at 30 than to be in a miserable , argumentative or abusive relationship. Too many of us don’t seem to understand that persons post the pictures on instagram after they have put on makeup to hide the dark marks or dried their tears.

I’m not bashing relationships at all , after all I am in a relationship but the reality is we place alot of persons on pedestals because we do not see them behind closed doors. Married couples and persons in 10 and 30 year relationships all attest that relationships are really hard work and the one attribute you must develop is patience.

So my advice is please do not judge or compare your life to that of any other. You can be single and happy. Be happy for your boo’d up friends, attend their weddings , like their photos , but accept that you’re not ready or you just haven’t met your person yet and that also is fine.

So, to remain single, accept that it is ok to be single and do not compare yourself to those in relationships.

4. Be too comfortable

If you want to remain single just be comfortable with who you are. Accept yourself flaws and all. Never try to hide them or make an effort to impress. Just be you and let persons take you or leave you. This will also help you build confidence and self love.

However, this can go both ways because being comfortable is encouraged in healthy relationships. The person who loves you will prefer authenticity over anything else. The right person will love you for you flaws and all.

But to remain single, just get way too comfortable or be comfortable initially. I am an expert at this because with me what you see is what you get. I’m literally the chick who has to take pictures of my hair fresh out the salon because I guarantee you by the next day my curls would have flopped, edges will not be laid and the list can go on.

I’m also the chick who never wears makeup, I honeslty don’t need it nor do I have the extra time it takes to get dolled up, the most I’ll do is lipgloss because I can’t be walking around with chapped lips in this climate. I never dress up when people stop by or say they are coming over to chill. I’ll be bright eyed and smiling in one of my brother’s shirts , shorts, socks and a headtie or more likely my hair in a hot mess , like nobody’s business. Most guys can’t handle the authenticity which is why in most cases it’s a guaranteed way to stay single. Authenticity always runs the fakers anyway. So be real and you’ll be fine.

I personally am too lazy to spend 2 or more hours doing makeup and then another hour on my hair. That would require me waking an extra 3 or more hours early and even typing that just made me feel sleep deprived. If there’s one thing I value in this world , it is my sleep. But I do commend the ladies who do so each and every day y’all are the real MVP’s. But for me personally, it’s too time consuming and time is money! But trust me if you doll down this is another way to remain single and also get rid of the fakers.

So, to remain single, Just be your comfortable, authentic self.

5. Wait on God

This is very important.

When we try to intervene and take matters in our own hands we will make the wrong choice.

I know you may feel lonely sometimes. But consider this , the right person is out there feeling lonely too. Patience is a virtue!

Use the time to spend with your family and friends and do some self examination; so that when the right person comes along you are actually ready for them. Who knows he/she may be stalling waiting for you to get your life in order.

These are my 5 steps to remaining happily single. Again , it’s not for those who don’t wish to be single. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to like and comment. I hope 2019 started great for you! All the best !

Lessons from 2018

It’s January 1st 2019. So first let me say Happy New Year to one and all.

On the first day of a new year I like to reflect on the year that has passed. 2018 has been a bipolar year for me. I’ve had alot of ups and downs. I lost loved ones and gained a new appreciation for my friends and family. I felt as though I would lose my mind a few times but thankfully I did not. I started dating an amazing guy who loves me and actually puts up with ALL my crap. I lost alot of weight and put back on some of it during the Christmas season, sighhh.

I invested in myself and started a job which has continued to challenge me everyday but the joy it gives me makes all the challenges worthwhile. I began volunteering at a nursing home because I just enjoy interacting with older persons. I usually sing songs, read bedtime stories or newspaper articles or do their hair and nails ; whatever it takes to to put smiles on their faces. It’s also a constant reminder that sometimes the things I get worked up about are very insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I became a pescetarian to lose weight but now I’ve adopted a healthier lifestyle and I eventually plan to become a vegetarian! I travelled,sang karaoke ,wrote poetry, worked on my novel, ate icecream, laughed , cried but I made it through. Through it all I’ve learnt some valuable lessons but I just want to share 3 valuable lessons on relationships today.

Lesson 1: Cherish your family while you still have them.

Recently, I got the devastating news that one of my closest family members is really ill, possibly even terminally ill. The feeling that overtook me was overwhelming to say the least. I cried, I prayed and I cried some more and then I accepted that I have to cherish the time I have left because there is a possibility she won’t recover. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m big on family. After God, my family easily takes second place in my life. I’m the chick who is constantly planning family game nights, movie nights even karaoke nights and dinners with the ones I love the most. I’ve lost alot of family over the years and sometimes sickness or death comes so unexpected you don’t get a chance to say goodbye. Trust me , cherish them now you still have them.

Lesson 2: True Friends are family.

I can truly say that I have been blessed with amazing friends. The type of friends who I can call at 4 am cause I’m going through a bad breakup or I just need to talk. Friends who volunteer to be my travel buddies just because I wanted to witness the balldrop in Times Square. Friends who will harshly or gently remind me I have no money for that a trip to Paris simply because I’m having a long day at work. Those who will support me 100 % when I’m right about something but will call me out on my bs without delay.

The type of friends who are genuinely happy for me when I succeed and genuinely hurt when I’m hurting. Friends who hold my hair back while I cry over some guy whilst quietly reminding me that it’s his loss. The type of friends who proof read every single one of my blogs. The ones who I sometimes don’t see or talk to in months but when we link up it’s like we stayed in touch. Friends who are irreplacable. Friends who have become my family. The type of friend I strive every single day to be.

Lesson 3: Some people aren’t meant to be a part of your life.

Some people who started your journey with you won’t end it with you and that’s ok. I dropped alot of persons after law school because I realised they were not contributing positively to my life. I realised that if we are truly the product of the people we spend the most time with I simply could not associate with them anymore on a daily basis. With that being said, I did not cause a scene , we do not hate each other. If I see them I will say ‘hi’ and smile but there is the understanding that it does not go beyond that point. Maturity dictates that you don’t have to be mean or disgusting to someone to cut them from your circle.

I’m sure some of you may be able to relate but for the earlier part of my twenties i’ve been super hung up on an ex. I would compare every guy I dated or every guy that had some interest in me to him and because I was in love with him they would all fall short. I would always talk to him about current relationships and run to him when they weren’t going as planned. For a few years he was basically my back up plan. I knew deep down no guy would have a fair chance nor would I have a fair chance at love again until I cut him loose. I just stopped messaging or calling and eventually it faded. Again I have no hard feelings , his season in my life has just come to and end.

So I’m just saying, Associations are important but sometimes in order for us to progress as people we have to cut the bad ones from our lives. My experiences are proof that it can be done maturely and effectively.

Just my little two cents. I am no expert on relationships. Truth is , I’m still navigating my life. I look forward to 2019 being a even better year for me. I wish you all the same.